Sunday, May 31, 2020

Reddit: Writing Prompt: "Outlaw In-Laws" by u/blackparody



Writing Prompt by u/Therandomfox:

In-laws and outlaws, and in-law outlaws.



I never thought I would be on the lam. Wait, let me back up. I never thought I would fall in love. Well... I never thought I would find love in the most kind, loving, god-fearing woman there is in the South. On our first date, we went to Church on Sunday. I honestly thought she was trying to reform the tax auditor out of me. I smelled of the Man, and so, I thought I deserved to be cleansed. But no, she just wanted me to be a part of her life, her community, her likes, and dislikes. Like, she legit refused to kiss me till our 3rd date. Sex was not something she would consider until we got engaged. Sometimes I think I am the luckiest guy on earth to have found her. Then reality sets in. I washed my hands, then carefully wiped the entire sink of all fingerprints that might have been there. I checked my hat and fake mustache in the mirror and left the gas station washroom, emphasizing a fake limp that I shouldn't have invented, in hindsight.

As I got back into my car and started the engine, I thought back to the fateful evening we decided to tell our parents we were getting married. Idiots we were - or it could be argued I was. Of course my Mom would fall in love with her. Of course she would tell me that she would disown me if I ever broke her new daughter's heart. I should never have worried about that part. The way she won me over, my mother would have been a piece of cake. For a generalized fuck up like me, this was a home run even before I took to the crease. On the other hand, her family... I grimaced even as I got back on to the dirt road that ran parallel to the highway.

We'd gone over to her parents' home about a week before our wedding - a simple affair that would have taken place in a courthouse if my mother hadn't hijacked all the planning and made sure we ended up in the same church as our first date. Meant to be, she called it. God, moms, I tell you... I took a right at the last cross-section, right by the river bend. The border would be a mile to the east, so the smuggler's tunnel should be... right around... there! I drove full speed into the tunnel, leaving behind a trail of dust for any border patrol to find. Like I could care anymore.

Her parents had been nice, aloof people, who didn't ask me any questions - this stranger about to marry their only daughter. They said I made her smile, and that was all they ever wanted from me. Bull, I thought to myself, as I drove through makeshift tunnels with lights every few yards. If they had just wanted me to put a smile on their daughter's face, I wouldn't be here, breaking who knows how many laws by the hour.

To be fair, their names should have made me think twice about what I was getting into. If your in-laws are named Bonnie and Clyde, it should definitely give you pause. And it would have if I hadn't been too smitten by the daughter to take note. Them not turning up at the wedding should have been another red flag. But love is blind, and so are gullible federal tax auditors who marry into the family of the most wanted outlaw couple in America. I finally slowed as the light at the end of the tunnel told me I was coming out on the Mexican side of the border. As I broke out into the fresh dusty air, I finally afforded myself a small smile. My first smile since...

"What do you mean they are wanted?" I yelled, not caring how loud my voice went. She shrunk back, covering her belly with her arms, as though I would ever hurt my own child. "You did not think it was pertinent for me to know that I, a government servant, am now related to the people who are the reason most banks now have thugs guarding them?"

"They're good folk." She said, defensively, her voice barely a whisper.

I snorted derisively. " We are good folk. They are criminals. They travel in gangs." For some reason, that gave her some confidence and she stood up a little taller, "Well they raised me right, so that makes them good folk." I wiped my face as I swung onto the main road outside the little village on the south side of the highway. I had done what I needed, I was almost back home with my wife and kid. My smile grew a little wider. She would have to appreciate this grand gesture and love me the way that she used to.

"You're a monster if you let them be killed." she screeched over the babe's bawling. I just rocked back and forth, processing the impossibility of what she was asking me to do. "My stealing those records will not save them. The orders are already out. The officials are already out there searching for them." She wailed, and the baby joined her, scratching at her hair to grab her attention. "You're a monster. You don't love me. You won't save her. I hate you."

"Don't say that. You don't understand - what you're asking of me is a crime! We would have to flee the state, maybe even the country. We would lose the life we have built! Think about our son." I pleaded, but she was inconsolable. I was a monster who was breaking her heart, and that was that. So I had done what I could. I had sent her and the babe ahead to Mexico with all our life savings, in case I was caught and executed for the crimes I was about to commit. I had walked into the tax office, a nervous sweating wreck, and stolen all the records I could find of the crimes of Public Enemies Nos. 1 and 2. I had walked out, emptied my bank account, and then driven across half the country, changing disguises and scared out of my wits. I had illegally crossed over the border to Mexico - all for the same thing - to get us back to some semblance of happiness that had existed before I had realized who my in-laws were.

She would appreciate this. She would love me again. She would be happy and shine on me her radiant smile as I played with our son again. I stopped the car by the inn and walked over to the reception. As I walked up to the room, I fixed my tie and set my hair before putting on my hat. She would see me smile, and she would smile.

I knocked on the door, but no one opened it - it just swung open off my fist. My little guy crawled across the floor, chasing a rubber ball. The static alternated with the news bulletin in Spanish from the radio and it filled the dingy little room with an eerie foreboding. I turned to the side to see her - she had passed out half on the bed, and half off of it. "Honey, are you alright?" I rushed to her side and picked her head gently, put it on my lap. I tried reaching for the jug of water, to sprinkle some on her face when I heard exactly what it was that the newsreader was saying over the radio.

"Bandits Bonnie and Clyde, also known as America's most wanted, have been shot dead by the Texas police in Bienville Parish, Louisiana, this morning."

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