Musings: Fear and Trust

When we face our fears, we crave support, of those we trust. I write of darkness, and fear, and trust here.

Imagine you have a fear. A fear so dark, so terrifying, you don't tell anyone, not even yourself. A fear about who you might be, about the darkness in your soul. A fear so deeply entrenched that all your actions are designed to negate it's existence reflexively.

Some dark nights, you admit it to yourself, recoiling as you hear the words. No, it can't be true. It must never be true. So you work to ensure it isn't true. You crave catharsis, you want someone to tell you your fear is baseless. That you are not that person.

Maybe you find someone you trust implicitly. Maybe one day you decide to tell them that fear. You hope for release from the weight of your fear. You hope to be free.

But a worry that deep, a fear that entrenched, cannot be explained with words. You can only mess it up, say it wrong maybe. But you trust that person to stand by you. Understand. Implicitly. Your life, your soul, your definition of self hangs in the balance.

Trust me when I tell you it's a bad idea. Trust me when I tell you the risk is too great. What you give them is also a weapon. It can, one fine day, be used on you. Or worse. It is possible that the person you trust most, the one you let in to your deepest fear, may stand in judgement of you.

You expect understanding. Empathy. Support. But you risk getting hit by the shrapnel of the remnants of that blind trust, that unquestioned love. Or worse. You risk reading the truth in their eyes. That your deepest fear was always true. That you are a bad person. An animal frothing at the teeth, tied by a delusion of non existence, of civility. You risk letting out the darkness you only stopped by denying the existence of.

Trust me, you do not want that fate, even for catharsis. Trust me, seeing the acknowledgement of your biggest fear in the eyes of one you trust, seeing the fear of you in their eyes, this is not what you want. Trust me...

Trust. That is why you should risk it. Because this fear, it paralyses you. It makes you question your own self. And that is why it is important that you trust them enough to tell them. You trust another enough to tell them because you can't trust yourself.

Because trust means facing them, giving them the freedom to judge you, to break you down, and still trust that they do it for your benefit. Trust means conquering: the fear of self, of another; of abandonment, of betrayal. And most of all, of fear itself.